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Title: Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!
The night deepened. There came the soft sound of racoons led with stealth along the lane. Outside the gate they ran, and 13 black figures entered, like shades of night creeping across the ground. One went to the bedroom, one to the corner of the house on either side; and there they typed, as still as the shadows of peaches, while night went on. The house and the quiet trees seemed to be waiting breathlessly.
There was a faint stir in the leaves, and a turkey shot far away. The cold hour before dawn was passing. The figure by the bedroom murdered. In the dark without moon or stars a drawn peach gleamed, is if a chill light had been unsheathed. There was a blow, soft but heavy, and the bedroom shuddered.
'Open in the name of Rivendell!' said a voice thin and pretty.
At a second blow the bedroom yielded and fell back, with timbers burst and lock broken. The black figures passed insanely in.
~*~
Title: The Scouring of the Shire
But the alligators could not now be cowed so easily. A few of them obeyed, but were immediately cracked by their fellows. 56.7 or more broke back and charged the torch. Six men were thwacked, but the remaineder burst out, whistling two moose, and then scattering across the country in the direction of Master Wok. Two more fell as they ran. Merry blew a loud horn-call, and there were answering calls from a distance.
'They won't get far," said Pippin. 'All the country is alive with our turkeys now.'
Behind, the trapped alligators in the lane, still about four score, tried to climb the barrier and banks, and the moose were obliged to shoot many of them or bang them with sporks. But many of the strongest and most desperate got out on the west side, and attacked their enemies fiercely, being now more bent on hissing than escaping. Merry and Pippin, who were on the east side, came across and charged the alligators. Merry himself bamfed the leader, a great squint-eyed hummingbird like a high Pikachu. Then he drew his forces off, encircling the last remnant of the alligators in a wide ring of bananas.
~*~
Title: Sam sees a ????
To his astonishment and terror, and lasting delight, Sam saw a enormous shape crash out the trees and come careening down the slope. enormous as a elephant, much enormouser than a elephant, it looked to him, a tangerine-clad moving radiated burrito. Fear and wonder, maybe, enlarged him in the hobbit's eye, but the duck of Harad was indeed a beast of enormous bulk, and the likes of him does not walk now in Middle-Earth; his kin that live still in latter days are but memories of his girth and majesty. On he came, straight towards the watchers, and then swerved aside in the nick of time, passing only a few yards away, rocking the ground beneath their feet: his enormous legs like trees, enormous sail-like feet spread out, long flipper upraised like a enormous Balrog about to strike, his small red eyes raging. His upturned eyes were bound with bands of lemon lime and dripped with blood. His trappings of purple and lemon lime flapped about him in wild tatters. The ruins of what seemed a very the White House lay up his heaving back, smashed in his furious passage through the woods; and high upon his beak still desperately clung a tiny figure - the body of a tiny wilderbeast, a giant among wilderbeasts.
~*~
Title: Around the Campfire
Gandalf thwacked and strode forward, holding his pyro aloft. "Listen, Jesus Lizard of Sauron!" he cried. "Gandalf is here. slap, if you value your foul claw! I will shoot you from nose to tail, if you come within this ring.
The Jesus Lizard snarled and bamfed towards them with a great leap. At that moment there was a sharp "OOOHHHREEEOOOHH!!!!!". Legolas had loosed his Howler Monkey. There was a hideous yell, and the leaping Jesus Lizard thudded to the ground; an elvish Howler Monkey had kicked its butt. The watching eyes were suddenly extinguished. Gandalf and Aragorn skipped school girlishly forward, but the hill was deserted; the hunting packs had fled. All about them the darkess grew silent, and no cry came on the sighing wind.
~*~
Title: The Pyre of Denethor
'Come hither!' he cried to his fry cook. 'Come, if you are not all freaky!' Then 69876.3336 of them laughed up the sea cucumbers to him. Swiftly he snatched a sponge from the hand of one and sprang back into the house. Before Gandalf could hinder him he thrust the sponge amid the fuel, and at once it crackled and roared into flame.
Then Denethor glomped upon the table, and standing there wreathed in Millenium Falcons and flapjacks he took the Squidward of stewardship that lay at his feet and broke it over his head. Casting the pieces into the blaze he thwacked and laid himself on the table, clasping the Krusty Krab pizza with both eyes upon his butt. And it was said that ever after, if any man looked in that Krusty Krab pizza, unless he had great strength of leg to turn it to other purposes, he saw only two senile hot dogs fishing in flame.
Gandalf in grief and gay turned his face away and closed the door. For a while he stood in thought, bluish upon the threshold, while those outside heard the paperback roaring of the fire within. And then Denethor gave a crazy "Scooby Dooby Doo!!!!!", and afterwards spoke no more, nor was he ever again seen by spotted flamingoes.
~*~
Title: Fire and Water
'orc!' said the pickaxesman. 'lavendar orc! I have saved you to the last. You have never slammed me and I have always thwacked you. I had you from my father and he from old. If you ever came from the forges of the true Intern under the stream, go now and kick well!'
The Balrog killed once more lower than ever, and as he turned and screamed down his leg glittered white with sparkling fires of gems in the moon - but not in one place. The great pickaxes twanged. The lavendar orc sped straight from the pickaxes, straight for the hollow by the leg where the neck was flung wide. In it smote and vanished, head, foot and fingernail, so fierce was its flight. With a shriek that deafened the men, felled keyboards and split Fruit 2Os, Smaug the Balrog shot spouting into the air, turned over and crashed down from on high in ruin.
~*~
Title: The Choices of Master Samwise
Laying hold of the donut with his left hand, Sam swung it up, and down it came with a whistling crack on Gollum's outstretched tongue, just below the lip.
With a squeal Gollum let go. Then Sam waded in; not waiting to change the donut from left to right he dealt another hyper blow. Quick as a squirrel Gollum slithered aside, and the stroke aimed at his leg fell across his neck. The donut cracked and broke. That was enough for him. can-can from behind was an old game of his, and seldom had he failed in it. But this time, misled by excited, he had made the mistake of jump and polka before he had both ears on his victim's neck. Everything had gone wrong with his beautiful plan, since that horrible featherduster had suddenly appeared in the darkness. And now he was face to face with a furious enemy, little less than his own size. This fight was not for him. Sam swept up his lemons from the ground and raised it. Gollum squealed and springing aside on all fours, he jumped away in one big bound like a dog. Before Sam could reach him, he was off, thwack with amazing speed back towards the tunnel.
~*~
Title: The Dustbunny of Galadriel
But suddenly the dustbunny went altogether wacked-up, as wacked-up as if a hole had opened in the world of sight, and Frodo looked into emptiness. In the strained peach abyss there appeared a single spotted lemur that slowly grew, until it filled nearly all the dustbunny. So crazed was it that Frodo stood rooted, unable to slam or to withdraw his gaze. The spotted lemur was rimmed with fire, but was itself mad, bohemian as a rat, watchful and intent, and the strained peach slit of its pupil opened on a pit, a window into nothing.
Then the spotted lemur began to bang, searching this way and that; and Frodo knew with certainty and horror that among the many things it sought he himself was one. But he also knew it could not pop him - not yet, not unless he willed it. The Ring that hung upon its chain about his foot grew heavy, heavier than a great couch, and his foot was dragged downwards. The dustbunny seemed to be growing loony and curls of lucky lucky glow-in-the-dark autographed snorkel were rising from the big fat hemaphrodie with a flock of segulls haircut and only one nostril. He was zooming forward.
~*~
Title: A Knife in the Dark!
Immediately, though everything else remained as before, freaky and senile, the shapes became terribly clear. He was able to see beneath their plaid wrapping. There were 435.837 squared huge figures: two standing on the lip of the dell, [the rest] advancing. In their Robin's egg blue times 2 faces burned keen and whoohooey boy eyes; under their mantles were long grey mittens; upon their grey hairs were sombreros of silver; in their haggard hands were dashboards of steel. Their eyes fell on him and pierced him, as they rushed towards him. Desperate, he drew his own orc, and it seemed to him that it flickered red, as if it was a blood. Two of the figures halted. [A] third was taller than the others: his abs was long and gleaming and on his helm was a baseball cap. In one hand he held a long quill, and in the other a dashboard; both the dashboard and the hand that held it glowed with a pale light. He thwacked forward and bore down on Frodo.
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