Sam had come to Merry and me the night before - he and Frodo were going to go on a little travel together, see the Shire, maybe it would help bring the light back into Frodo's eyes, the light that had been so dulled on the quest. The light that made my heart quiver and my knees go weak whenever I saw it. The light that could make me feel so insignificant - but so wanting - not knowing what it was I wanted...I don't know what's wrong with me. Frodo's just so sad lately...it makes me want to just embrace him and tell him everything's alright...I care for him so much - not care - more like love...
Whoa, Pippin. Where are you going? You've got Diamond to think about. She's a fine girl, after all. And such a thing is unheard of - how could that work? I'm being silly - but what could I do, seeing him look at all of us, so scared and helpless? And now to see his sad face look haunted and twisted, especially during those spells of illness he gets - I never told anyone about the time when I snuck into his room and held his hand all through the night...I think it helped him, for his breathing would become more normal and he wouldn't move so restlessly...Merry and Sam would think I was off my rocker if I ever told them....
You're being a "fool of a Took", just like Gandalf said. Good old Gandalf. So glad he told Merry and me what Frodo was up to...
Merry and I were over at Bag End. Rosie had taken her and little Elanor out to a sewing circle, and the four of us were gathered in the study. Frodo seemed listless, and was in a darker corner of the room. I sat close to him, telling myself that I was merely doing so to keep an eye on him... but admit to yourself, why don't you, that you feel safe so near to him? I shuddered...even with the tales Sam had told me, about how the Ring had warped him, made him so fearful that only Sam's blind loyalty kept him to Frodo? What if that had been I? Would I have been able to hold on? "Love conquers all" Such a true saying. I did love him. Romantically. Maybe such a thing was unheard of, but that was the way it was. I snapped my head up as a feeling that I was being watched came over me. Frodo's eyes were on me. Something I had never seen before was in them - it made my stomach flutter. I nervously turned my head to Merry and Sam, but they were both silent, contemplating something. I glanced up at the clock. Almost midnight. Where was Rosie?
"Well," I said lightly, "I think its time to hit the sack." I turned to Sam. "Now where's Rosie?"
"Oh," he said dismissively, "she often'll stay overnight - women love their gossiping." Merry laughed.
"Hope she doesn't say anything too personal," winking at Sam then making a quick exit as Sam attempted to punch him on the arm.
Frodo smiled. Even that was rare for him now - at least genuine smiles. Weak movements of the mouth didn't count. I looked at him carefully, but shifted away when his eyes met mine. Sam left the room, to kill Merry, most likely.
Embarrassed, I turned to Frodo and hastily said "goodnight," then tried to hasten away.
"Wait," Frodo said softly.
I was drawn to him, I suppose. I returned to my seat and faced him, my eyes unable to tear away from his. "Pippin," he began, seeming reluctant to say the words, "Gandalf has told you what I plan to do, right?" I nodded wordlessly. "I want you to understand that that that its not because of you, or anyone...but I fear that the Ring has gotten a cruel hold on me, and I have to go before I do something I regret."
I don't know how I did it. I dont even know why perhaps it was because I didn't want to hear the words, or I wanted to comfort him...I really don't know. Just suddenly my lipswere on his and it was the most amazing thing I'd ever experienced.
Frodo wrenched away in surprise. He looked at me in wonderment, then ran a finger over his lips, then looked at it. He returned his gaze to mine. Immediately I flushed. What had I been thinking? A million names that the Gaffer would have given Sam passed through my mind. Then I saw the look in those clear blue eyes - it made my insides churn. That look was of desire.
Such a knowledge made my head spin. Frodo wanted...he wanted me, of all people. Of all the maidens that swooned over his good looks and mysterious demeanor, he wanted me, a smart-mouthed little cousin who was known for getting into scrapes. Suddenly I didn't know what to do. I stared into my lap.
"No," he whispered. "Don't hide from me anymore." He pulled me to him. Suddenly, his arms were wrapped around me and I was sitting in the armchair with him. He kissed me passionately and held me to him as tight as he could, as if I were the only one who could save him from drowning.
He began to cry softly as I placed gentle kisses on his cheek and neck. Startled, I stopped. "No...please, please," he exclaimed in a whisper, his eyes big and dark. "Don't stop. Please don't. Not ever...hold me...don't let go."
"I won't," I assured him, and held him tighter.
"Not...not here," he scrambled from under me. He took my hand and led me down the hallthat was Bag End and paused outside his bedroom. Suddenly he grew shy again and puthis face against my shoulder. I could feel the heat from his blush.
"Do you want to...are you sure you want to...to do this?" I asked.
My fate was determined on his answer. Frodo looked up at me, his eyes huge, fumbled for the doorknob, and whispered, "I've never wanted anything more in my life," before pulling me into his room.
Around three o'clock in the morning I woke up. For a moment I had to remember where I was, then I saw Frodos face across from me in the big bed of his. He and I were in the middle, embraced so tightly it was hard to imagine we could breathe. His breath was sweet, and his cheeks were flushed. He looked like a young child in slumber, and I felt like the older one, though I was twenty-one years his junior. I softly stroked his cheek, knowing I would have to leave soon, lest we get caught. Gently I pressed my mouth to his and tore myself from his embrace, making my heart heavier, but knowing it was for the best. "I love you," I whispered then clothed myself and went to my own room.
Merry and I were lucky that we got our chance to say farewell to Frodo the day he left us forever, never to return. I was crying horribly, but somehow I managed to hide my true feelings and laugh.
"You tried to give us the slip once before and failed, Frodo. This time you have nearly succeeded, but you have failed again. it was not Sam, though, that gave you away this time, but Gandalf himself!" This I said for the benefit of Merry and Sam, for Frodo gave me a knowing look as Gandalf rambled off something I didn't catch.
Frodo then kissed each of us, and I noticed that his lips stayed decidingly longer on minethan on Sam and Merry's and that his eyes were on me as he went onto the boat.
If Sam thought that he was wounded as Frodo left Middle-earth forever, then I was murdered. I don't rightly know how I managed to laugh and joke with Merry as we returned to Crickhollow. I dont know how I managed to go through and be happy with Diamond after those years.
My heart still is heavy when I think of him - and I know he thinks of me.