By Bonnie Rae
Rule 1: If you are mortal, stay the hell away from my little elven princess!
Rule2: Do not make affectionate overtures toward my daughter in my presence. You may make eye contact so long as you do not glance at any of her elven attributes far beyond compare with those of mortal women. If you cannot keep your eyes off my daughter, I will remove them.
Rule 3: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for rangers of your caliber to wear loose fitting, ragged garments. This is fine with me. However, you must understand that as soon as you cross the threshold of my last homely house, I will ensure that none of your garments "accidently" slip off during the evening by having my elven smiths forge iron spikes, which I will use to fasten your clothing securely to your body.
Rule 4: Undoubtedly, you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to wed Rohirrim princesses by the name of Eowyn. This sounds like a very good idea to me. Why don't you go do that?
Rule 5: As you stand waiting for my daughter to appear, feeling like an insignificant pauper within the splendor of my halls, do not sigh and fidget. My little girl is choosing a gown and doing her hair, a process which takes her longer than it took Turgon to build Gondolin. You should feel honored my little princess takes all this time just to look good for you, you fleeting mortal! Even if you do look like Viggo Mortenson.
Rule 6: It is generally understood that we should try to get to know each other by discussing the weather, proper techniques for the slaying of orcs, and what not. Don't bother. All you need to tell me is that you will have my daughter home early. Instead of standing there, trying to make small talk, why dont you do something useful, like reforging a broken sword or something?
Rule 7: Do not lie to me. While you are dating my daughter, I am the all-knowing god of your universe. If you lie to me about where you are taking my daughter and what you intend to do, I will find out. Isildur's heir be damned! All the hobbits and wizards in Middle Earth wont be able to help you then!
Rule 8: I am aware that you enjoy hanging out with a questionable group of people. Nazgul, for instance. If you involve my elven princess with such sinister characters, remember this: I have a sword, a shovel, and an entire valley at my disposal. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 9: Wherever you go, whatever you do with my daughter, I shall have a loyal elf tailing you. If you try to shake him, I will assume that your intentions are dishonest and immediately come after you with fifty archers on horseback.
Rule 10: I may look like a wise, placid elf lord, but be afraid. Be very afraid. I fought in the first war against Sauron and am still sore about getting my butt kicked in every battle. It doesnt take much for me to mistake the sound of your horses hooves for the pounding of goblin feet on the battlefield. With both hands raised, you should slowly approach my house and announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safe and sound. Once she enters the front door, you are welcome to mount your horse and gallop madly into the night, fearing the wrath of an elf lord descended from Melian the Maia and wielding a magic ring. If you reach the Anduin and it looks a little choppy, I advise you not to try and ford it.