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Chapter One
Aragorn was filling the punch bowl and looking at the clock. It was 7:00, and the guests should be arriving any moment. He was fidgeting in his very uncomfortable leotards, and playing with his plastic wings. He was supposed to be a pixie for the Halloween party. Aragorn finished stapling up the last of the black and orange streamers on the wall. Suddenly, a voice came from the door.
"Oh baby, baby..." Legolas sang in a very off-pitch tone. Aragorn turned around to see him leaning against the door. His white shirt was rolled half way up his chest, and he was wearing a dark skirt that stopped at his knees. He had lipstick on, and his long blonde hair was hanging down his back. He started walking towards Aragorn.
"How was I supposed to know!" Legolas continued singing.
Aragorn was laughing hysterically and almost dropped the stapler into the punch bowl.
"Britney Spears! What a costume!" Aragorn managed through the laughs.
"What are you? A genetically alterred sheep that has been half-devoured by a troll?" Legolas said with a giggle.
"No..." Aragorn replied with a grin. "I'm a pixie!!"
Aragorn walked over to the door, and closed it.
"You're the first one here," he said.
"Really? I thought Pippin would be here early to eat all the cookies and stuff," Legolas said.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door, and Aragorn walked back over and opened it. Frodo stood there in nothing but a black speedo that said 'WWF' on it in red letters.
"Hullo Aragorn. Nice wings. A faerie?"
"Pixie!! I'm a pixie!" Aragorn replied. "Have you become allergic to clothes or something?"
"Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?!??!!"
Aragorn sniffed the air. "No."
Frodo rolled his eyes. "Never mind."
Frodo came in, and Aragorn shut the door behind him.
"Hey, I would have thought Pippin was here starting on the food already," Frodo said.
"Me too," Legolas said.
"Legolas?" Frodo said with wide eyes. And then he broke out laughing, and was gripping his side.
"What? Haven't you ever seen a cross-dressing Elf pop-star before?" Legolas said smiling.
Aragorn went over to the large stereo system that was next to a long table with a green table cloth. He turned on the stereo, and before they knew it Metallica was blasting.
"Yeah! Let's boogie!" Frodo yelled, and started doing the funky chicken dance.
Aragorn pulled a little rope that was by the punch bowl, and a disco ball came out of ceiling and hung above the dance floor.
There was another knock at the door, and Aragorn went to see who it was. Opening it, he saw Gandalf holding a large glass bowl with a jiggly orange substance inside.
"I brought jello!" Gandalf said. He was wearing a red outfit with a purple cape and large purple helmet with an 'M' on it.
"Great! You can put it over there by the chocolate chip cookies," Aragorn said. "Who are you supposed to be?"
Gandalf came in and set the jello by the cookies and punch. "It's my Magneto costume," he said. "Aragorn, make sure Pippin doesn't eat all of my jello before others get a chance to taste it. It took a whole 10 minutes to make that!"
"Understood," said Aragorn. "But Pippin isn't here yet."
"Oh, ok. That makes more sense. I was wondering why he wasn't here at the table snarfing the cookies."
Suddenly there was yet another knock at the door. Aragorn walked over and opened it. It was the three other hobbits. Sam was wearing a plastic (but made to look metal) mail coat, a white helmet, and carried a shield and a small sword. Pippin had shaved his head, and was wearing gray trousers and a gray jacket. He had a fake scar on his left cheek. Merry was in a cat outfit, with whiskers and a fuzzy tail as well.
"We are here to collect..." Pippin began, and put his pinky finger up to his mouth. "One hundred billion cookies."
"Umm...Pippin, I don't have that many cookies," Aragorn said.
Pippin frowned. "I've been in the Shire for a month, ok? You people need to tell me these things." Pippin put his pinky finger back up to the corner of his mouth. "I mean....One million cookies."
"Ok, come on in," Aragorn said, motioning for them to enter. Merry carried four bags of Reeses and a chocolate cake with him.
"We brought food," Merry said, showing Aragorn what he held.
"Considering you are hobbits, that doesn't surprise me," he said with a smile. "You can put it by the jello. So who is everyone?"
"Dr. Evil," Pippin said.
"Mr. Bigglesworth," Merry said.
"Some big macho warrior guy I guess," Sam said, showing him his shield and sword.
They came in, and saw Frodo still doing the funky chicken dance.
"Hey! It's the WWF hobbit! YEAH!!!" Pippin yelled, throwing his hand up.
Frodo stopped his present dancing, and started pounding his chest trying to be like a wrestler on tv. "You bet! Can you smell what the Rock is cooking?!?!??!"
Frodo started doing disco, and Gandalf got out onto the dance floor and started doing Riverdance.
"Just call me Michael Flatly!" Gandalf yelled as he started doing Riverdance as best he could."
Not two seconds after Aragorn closed the door, there was another knock. It was Gimli. He had a large cotton Winnie the Pooh outfit on, with the ears to go on top of his head.
"Pooh Bear rocks! Hey Aragorn, I brought soda," Gimli said as he came in and showed Aragorn the three giant bottles of Mountain Dew, Dr Pepper, and Pepsi he had with him.
"On the table over there," Aragorn said, pointing to where the punch and other food was. After Gimli set down the soda he went to walk away and accidently bumped into Legolas, who had just finished his fourth or fifth glass of punch. Legolas turned around and faced him. Gimli bowed.
"Pardon me Miss," he said.
"No problem," Legolas said, and let out a hiccup.
Gimli stared and his eyes widened. "Legolas?" Gimli couldn't keep in his laughter at the ridiculous costume the elf was wearing.
Metallica was over, and Britany Spear started playing on Aragorn's stereo.
"It's my song!!!" Legolas exclaimed, and ran over to the empty table by the stereo and jumped up. He started slowly walking down the table to the other end, wagging his hips. He was singing along with the music.
"Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know...that something wasn't right here!" Legolas took off his shirt and started waving it around aimlessly, then threw it on Gimli.
"Woo-hah! My fantasy comes true!" Gimli yelled, removing the shirt Legolas had thrown from his head.
"What the...Legolas? Ok, who spiked the punch!!" Aragorn said sternly.
Gandalf got a huge smirk on his face. "I did; my best vodka."
"Oh baby baby, I shouldn't of let you go!" Legolas sang. There was a thin pole near the table, and Legolas slid down it and landed on the floor with a thud. He frowned, and got right back up on the table and started dancing and singing again.
Gandalf threw some gold coins, and Gimli threw a rose.
"Great party, Strider!" Pippin said, as he munched on some more cookies.
"He's going to regret this in the morning," Aragorn said, shaking his head at Legolas.
"Let him enjoy himself, Aragorn. It's a party!" Gandalf said. "A little vodka isn't going to hurt him."
"A little?? He had five glasses of that punch!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"He doesn't need to know," Gandalf said with a wink.
"No, Sam! We don't knaw on our kitties!!" Pippin said, as Sam was eating a chocolate chip cookie in the shape of a cat. "We stroke the kitty. We love the kitty. Have a hot-pocket....or an eggo."
"There aren't any eggos. And if there were, I'm sure you would have eaten them already."
"Hey!" Pippin said with an angry look. Sam snickered.
Chapter Two
Aragorn went over to the door where there were two lightswitches. He hit the first one, and green and blue lights started flashing, and the disco ball started twirling slowly.
"Yeah! We're getting our groove thing on!" Frodo yelled, and started doing the macarena. Merry started breakdancing, and Sam was poking Dr. Evil with his sword.
"Stop poking me," Pippin said.
"Come on, Pippin! It's a party!" Sam said.
"I'm busy eating," Pippin said, as he stuffed another cookie with some of Gandalf's jello in his mouth.
"Well whatever you do, don't have the punch," Aragorn said, pointing to Legolas as an example of the result. Legolas was still dancing on the table.
"My loneliness is killing me! I must confess, I still believe!" he sang. He stopped for a moment, and shook his head. "Whoa, too many colors. Maybe I better sit down," he said to himself, and he got off the table and sat down on the couch.
"Someone kill the music before Legolas decides he's not tired anymore," Aragorn yelled to Sam, who was standing by the stereo opening a bag of Reeses.
"Right," Sam said. "Die you wicked spawn of Satan!!!" Sam yelled as he held aloft his plastic sword and started hacking away at Aragorn's five thousand dollar stereo.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Aragorn yelled, and jumped over Frodo who was doing the limbo with Merry's cat tail. He ran over and picked up Sam by the collar. Sam was now waving his sword in the air fighting an invisible foe. He realized he wasn't hitting anything and turned his head to see Aragorn staring back at him at eye level.
"Wow! That Ent-juice really does work, Merry!" Sam exclaimed.
"Sam, when I said kill, I meant change the song," Aragorn said.
"Oh" Sam said quietly. "Ok! I can do that!" Sam said.
Aragorn set him down, and Sam changed the song. Suddenly, an all-too common voice came on.
"Hi! My name is...what? My name is...who? My name is..."
"Ralph Nadar!" Frodo said.
"Turn Slim Shady off!" Gandalf yelled to Sam. "Get something else on!"
"I'm trying! I'm trying! AHHH! The button is stuck!" Sam said frantically.
"May the Valor have mercy upon us!!!" Gandalf shouted.
"Wait! I got it!" Sam said happily, as the button finally worked, and Incubus started playing.
"Yay! It's their new single!" Gandalf said, and started singing along with it. "Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes yeah!"
"Ok, you can stop that now, Gandalf," Frodo said.
Suddenly, the rope that the disco ball was hanging on slipped a few inches.
"Dag-nabit! Hold on, I'll get the ladder," Aragorn said, going into the back room.
He came back out with a small 5 step ladder and stuck it next to the couch where he could tighten the rope to the wall.
"Excuse me, Leggo," Aragorn said to Legolas, who was still chilling on the couch. Legolas moved his foot that was hanging over the side of the sofa. Stepping up onto the fifth rung, Aragorn called over his shoulder to Sam.
"Sam come here," Aragorn said. He got back down to the ground, and picked Sam up. Heading back to the fifth rung, he held Sam up to the rope. "Tighten that for me Sam, will you?"
"Sure, Strider!" Sam said, and reached for the rope and started tightening it.
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were standing next to the ladder on the opposite side.
"Tell me, Dr. Evil. What stroke of evil shall we deal tonight? Shall we kill them?" Merry said, pointing to Aragorn and Sam.
"Mr. Bigglesworth, kill them?" Pippin said in a strange accent. "No. I'll put them in a highly escapable situation involving sharks....or....I could build a large moon base with a 'laser' "
"....Or you could just push over the ladder?" Merry said.
"That works," Pippin said, and gave the ladder a hard shove. Sam fell out of Aragorn's grip and fell with a thud in the center of the cookie plate. Aragorn lost his balance, and fell straight on to a still shirtless Legolas' lap. Just then, Arwen came in the door with a brown paper bag in her arm.
"Aragorn!" she yelled.
Aragorn scrambled off of Legolas, and stood tall. "Arwen...Dear? It's not what it looks like."
"Whatever!" she retorted.
"I thought you were staying at Linda's house tonight? I told you that my buddies were coming over for Halloween," Aragorn explained.
"Yes, but I was at the market, and thought you boys might want some broccoli, among some other things. I just came to drop them off. But...ya know, I think I'll just leave the bag by the door....and leave before I see a repeat of your bachelor party.....I'll be at Linda's if you need me, Estel." Arwen said in a hurry, dropped the bag, and rushed out the door.
Aragorn growled. "You evil hobbits!" he said to Merry and Pippin.
"That's Dr. Evil to you, Strider Spider.
"You need some new rhymes, Pippin," Frodo said.
"I know..." Pippin said somberly. "I'll be over by the cookies." Pippin walked over to the cookies to find Sam still sitting in the middle of the platter from his fall.
"Dammit! No cookies!" Pippin yelled. "They've got Hobbit germs!"
"Same gene pool,' Sam said and shrugged, tossing a cat-shaped cookie in his mouth.
"Now, Sam...what did I tell you earlier about gnawing on our kitties?!?!"
"Well there are no eggos, so kitties will have to do," Sam retorted.
"Wait, I think I see something shaped like a cookie container in Arwen's grocery bag!" Gimli said, sauntering over to the brown paper bag by the door. Digging through, he found a box of cookies in the shape of evil rings, Chinese carry-out, dark pink lipstick, two cans of whip cream, a can of EZ-Cheese, and ofcourse: three bags of broccoli."
"I get one of the whip cream bottles and the lipstick!" Legolas yelled, running over.
"Legolas, you have enough lipstick on from your Costume. You don't need anymore," Aragorn said.
"Who?" Legolas said.
"What?"
"Who's Legolas?" he asked, looking confused.
"Well who are you then?" Aragorn said.
"The name's Slappy. Slappy Jack Bill," Legolas replied. "I'm also known as Donna," he said, twirling his hair in his finger, looking sheepishly at Gimli.
"Hey, why don't you and me go some place private and get to know eachother, Leg-...er...Donna," Gimli said.
"Sure!" he replied, giggling like a school girl.
"Oh no. Oooooooh no! Gimli, he is flat drunk! Don't you dare!" Aragorn said.
"But...but Aragorn...he actually likes me!"
"Fool of a Dwarf," Gandalf said.
"Come, Donna. Let me introduce you to the wonderful world of being sober," Aragorn said, leading Legolas to a small room, which was down the hall from where the party was going on. He opened the door, and shoved Legolas in. "Go to sleep, Legolas! And don't come out until you're sober."
Aragorn returned to the main room, and sat down on the couch. He saw Frodo still dancing underneath the disco ball. This time, Frodo was doing some hobbit form of the electric slide.
'No wonder he is still single,' Aragorn thought, laughing at Frodo's dancing. He reached under the couch and pulled out his laptop. Getting online, he checked his e-mail.
"Any e-mail, Strider?" Merry asked.
"Yeah...let's see. I have a letter from Gondor Castle Inc, King Eomer, the Viggo Mortensen fan club, Eowyn, Amazon.com, and my interior decorator."
Suddenly, Legolas appeared in the hall.
"Legolas, I told you to go to sleep and come back when you're sober,' Aragorn said.
"I am sober. I used magic from Gandalf's staff."
"Oh yeah, I left my staff in there. That was my guest room for the Coronation party," Gandalf said.
"Can someone gain sobriety from your staff, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked, very skeptical of Legolas' story.
"It's true. A magic staff can have that effect," Gandalf said.
"I learn something new every day," Aragorn said, very surprised. "All right, you can come back to the party now."
"YEAH!!!" Legolas shouted. He went over to Frodo, who was now doing disco again, and joined him. Pippin and Merry joined in, and Gandalf took off his helmet.
"Sorry, this Magneto helmet is getting annoying. It itches," Gandalf said.
After a while, Legolas walked over to where Gimli was chugging a large glass of Mountain Dew.
"Hey Leggo," Gimli said.
"Hey Gim! Great party, isn't it?" Legolas said.
"yeah"
Legolas reached for the Pepsi, but Gimli put his hand on it.
"I suggest the punch. It's..uh....very nice," Gimli said.
"Ok, I figured I had enough earlier, but I guess more is cool."
Legolas poured a glass of punch and drank it down. Then he filled it again. Gimli insisted on him having a third.
"It's good. Have some more," Gimli said.
"Say Gimli....why aren't you having any?" Legolas said, looking strangely at the punch bowl.
"Dwarves can't handle their liquor," he said.
"Oh, ok," Legolas said, not noticing Gimli had said 'liquor'. Gimli grinned as the elf finished his third cup of punch. Aragorn saw Legolas by the punch bowl and ran towards him.
"Don't you dare get him drunk, Gimli!" Aragorn yelled, taking Legolas by the arm and pulling him away from Gimli.
"Drunk? What?" Legolas said, followed by a hiccup.
"Never mind....and change out of that ridiculous outfit!!!"
"Speak for yourself, Mr. Pixie!" Legolas said.
"Yeah, but I don't get up on tables and throw my shirt at little gay dwarves," Aragorn said.
"Legolas looked confused. "I don't get it."
"Never mind."
"Come on, Araggy. It's a party and I'm having fun." he explained, and then hiccuped again.
"Just stay on the couch for a while, Leggo, before you do something else you will regret in the morning."
Meanwhile, three of the hobbits had put Reeses in Gandalf's helmet and were using it as a pinyata, and Merry was spinning on Sam's little round shield.
"Come try this, Legolas!" Merry called, getting up off the shield.
Legolas stood up. "I think I saw a butterfly," he said. His legs started to wobble, so he sat down.
"Uh-oh. He's drunk again," Merry said.
Pippin came over and shrugged. "More cookies for me, then!"
"Zoot zoot!" Legolas said, looking around.
Chapter Three
There was a knock at the door, and Aragorn went to answer it. Three Elves sauntered in, all carrying six-packs of Budweiser.
"Hey!" Haldir said, as he passed Aragorn.
"Umm...this party is, or was supposed to be alchohol-free," Aragorn explained, looking hardly at Gandalf, who shrugged.
Haldir, Celeborn, and Elrond sighed.
"Who invited you guys anyway?" Aragorn said, angry.
"Leggo, ofcourse! We're four Elves in a bottle, baby!" Celeborn said.
"Yeah, well...Legolas is temporarily out of commission," Aragorn said, glancing over to where he and Gimli were seated on the couch.
"So...that's why you live in trees," Gimli said. "But...I never gathered you were afraid of rampaging bunny rabbits that eat shrubberies."
"Zoot zoot!" Legolas said, looking around the room, confused.
Gimli yawned, and stretched. When he let down his arms, one landed around Legolas' shoulder.
Suddenly, two teenage girls burst in the door. One had dark red hair down to her shoulders, the other had brown hair about to her waist. They were wearing over-sized Sith outfits, and carrying lightsabers.
"We are Blanton Cirith and MarieAmethyst! The Legolas defenders! FEAR US!!!" Marie said.
"Gimli, leggo our Leggo!" Blanton said.
"Leggo your Eggo?" Gimli said.
"There's no Eggos. I checked already. Dr Evil was just kidding before," Sam said.
"No, no. Let go our...never mind!!" Marie said and rolled her eyes. Blanton threw up her arms, and together they stormed out of the house, dragging their lightsabers behind them.
"At least we tried," Blanton mumbled.
"They just don't run and hide like they used to, Cirith," Marie said.
"What the heckles?" Celeborn questioned.
"Please don't ask. Things are crazy enough," Aragorn explained. "Anyway, if you leave the Budweiser outside, you can come in guys!"
"Wicked!!" Haldir said, moon walking in. Elrond followed, and Celeborn sauntered in after them.
Pippin and Merry were currently spraying some of the EZ-Cheese Arwen had brought into Gandalf's Magneto helmet.
Merry laughed wickedly. "Oh Dr. Evil, what an evil thing this is."
"Yes, Mr. Bigglesworth. We are the Masters of evil. Someday, the United Nations will be paying us.....one million dollars!" Pippin said, putting his pinky up to the corner of his mouth.
Merry and Pippin started laughing evily.
Haldir came over to the couch, and Legolas stood up.
"Hey!" Legolas called.
"Hey ma gangsta brotha!" Haldir said. They shook hands, and knocked each other's back with the other hand, trying to act like people from the Hood.
"Uh, what's with the skirt there, Leggo? ...And where the hec is your shirt?"
"well about the shirt; I don't remember," Legolas said, thinking hard.
"And about the skirt, he was trying to go all out and have fun tonight, but went too far and is just plain a freak of nature," Aragorn said from across the room.
"Speak for yourself, Mr. I-am-normal-and-yet-I'm-a-sissy-girlie-pixie!!!!" Legolas said.
Aragorn frowned. "I'm not even going to dignify that with a reply."
Elrond smirked. "You just did."
"AHHHHH!!! Everything is blurry and yellow!" Gandalf shrieked. He had put his helmet back on, feeling the need to look more like Magneto with the new company. The EZ-Cheese was seeping down his face and had covered his eyes. Pippin and Merry were giggling uncontrollably in a corner.
"Wait, we sound like Hobbits giggling and all," Merry said.
"Mr. Bigglesworth, if you get anywhere near a point..."
"We're supposed to be laughing in an evil way, Dr. Evil!" Merry explained.
Pippin gasped, and corrected himself. "MMUUUAAA HA HA HA HA!"
"MMMUUUUAAA HA HA HA," Merry joined in.
Gandalf growled, and turned toward them. "Fool of a Took!! Wooly-footed Brandybuck!!"
Pippin shrugged and poured some Mountain Dew, while Merry sipped a rather large glass of Pepsi. Frodo was changing the CD in Aragorn's boom box, and soon it was blaring "Elevation" by U2.
"Living like a mole now, going down. Excavation! Ionide in the sky! You make me feel like I could fly, so high! El..a..va..tion! OOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOoooooOOOOOO"
"Celeborn, I do believe you are getting too into this party already!" Elrond stated.
"Live a little, Elrond!" Celeborn retorted.
"I've been doing that for 3 ages, give me a break!" Elrond yelled, trying to speak over the loud blaring of the music.
"Dude!" Aragorn exclaimed.
"What?" Elrond said, looking up from his dancing. "I am trying something Haldir showed me. It's called 'gettin your groove thing on'. I'm actually liking this new age stuff: cool music, cool dancing...well except for Frodo."
Frodo had run out of ideas, and was doing some kind of mime underneath the disco ball.
"Elrond...you look more like a Travolta impersonator from Saturday Night Fever. Anyway, where are you guys' costumes?!?!?"
"What? Costumes?" Celeborn said, looking up from his place on the floor, playing Marbles with Gimli and Sam.
"You can't go to a Halloween Party without being in costume, people!"
Elrond, Celeborn, and Haldir were looking around nervously, trying to think of a costume. Elrond grabbed two plastic cups from the table by the soda, and put them over his ears, saying "Princess Leia."
Haldir took the can of Whip Cream that Arwen had brought from Legolas pocket, and poured a good amount on the top of his head. He quickly grabbed a cherry from the orderves, and stuck it on top. "A Haldir Sundae?" he said.
Celeborn grabbed the chopsticks that had come with the Chinese carry-out Arwen brought earlier, and started banging them around. "A drummer."
"Hey! Are you going to eat that Chinese carry-out, Celeborn?" Pippin asked, with a gleam in his eye.
"Erm...yyyyes," Celeborn said skeptically.
Pippin sighed and went back over with Merry in a dark corner.
"Well????" Merry inquired.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Bigglesworth. It seems you shall not gnaw on Chinese carry-out tonight," Pippin explained.
"dammit....."
"ha HA! Beat that, Sam!" Gimli said, as he knocked two marbles out of the little circle they had drawn on Aragorn's new hard-wood floor. Legolas and Haldir had joined Gimli, Sam, and Celeborn in the game of marbles. They were all laying on the floor, surveying the circle and the marbles. It was Sam's turn, and his tongue was sticking out of his mouth a bit, in hard concentration. He closed one eye, and slowly pitched his marble, knocking three out.
"Go Sam!" Celeborn said.
Gimli sighed, then looked at Sam. "Two out of three?"
Sam grinned. "Not a chance. I beat you fair and square! Hand it over!"
Gimli tossed his head, regretting he had lost. "Can we negotiate something here?"
"Nope. Gimme," Sam insisted.
Gimli growled, and handed Sam his Pikachu trading card.
Legolas ran his finger through the whip cream on Haldir's head. Tasting it, his eyes widened.
"That's some good whip cream!" Legolas said. "But that doesn't mean you can keep the bottle."
"Don't worry, you'll get it back...eventually."
"I better! Or else you're dwarf fodder!" Legolas said, as he grabbed the cherry and devoured it.
Chapter Four
Suddenly, there was a crash of thunder, and rain started to fall hard. They could hear the large droplets hitting the roof, and it echoed through the walls. There were several flashes of lightning, and all the lights went out. The music stopped, and the disco ball stopped spinning.
"Oh no! Legolas, those rampaging bunny rabbits that eat shrubberies are going to kill us all!!!!!!" Gimli shouted, and hid in his Winnie the Pooh outfit.
"Tom Bombadil is going to throw a Palantir at us and..and...break into the house...and...and tell fairy tales to us in chains....for all eternity!!!!!!" Sam cried.
"Sam, you let your imagination wander too much," said Pippin. "The Balrog is going to come for us!"
"Fool of a Took," Gandalf said, and corrected him. "It's an Oliophaunt!"
"Yay!" Sam yelled.
"...That's a bad thing," Elrond said.
"Oh," Sam mumbled. Celeborn rolled his eyes.
"You guys are pathtic," Aragorn said. "Hold on, I'm going to go fix the power and get the lights back on."
"Ouch! Somebody stepped on me!" Frodo yelled.
"Stop poking me!" Haldir whined.
"Damn! I dropped my contacts," Gandalf said.
"Whoever has their hand on my butt, please remove it," Legolas said loudly.
"Have you seen my contacts, Merry?" Gandalf called, bumping into someone furry, and guessed it was Merry in his cat outfit.
"No I haven't. Sorry," he answered.
"Mr. Bigglesworth!!!" Pippin called from the other side of the room, making his way over to Merry.
"Dr. Evil!!" Merry called back.
"Mr. Bigglesworth, now would be the perfect time to plot some evil prospect to render upon humanity," Pippin whispered, when they had managed to get into a corner unnoticed in the dark.
"What an evil idea that is, Dr. Evil!" Merry said with a grin. "So what shall we do?"
"Well, we could build a 'moon base' and call it a 'Death Star'!" Pippin explained.
"With a 'laser'!" Merry added.
"Yes, yes. With a 'laser'. Good idea, Mr. Bigglesworth," Pippin said.
Suddenly, there was another burst of lightning, followed by a crash of thunder. Then, there was a knock at the front door. They all screamed.
"It's the Balrog!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo cried.
"Uh...Pizza Hut delivery?" the guy outside the door said nervously.
"Hey! Pizza!" Gimli said excitedly, running to the door, followed by a hungry Pippin. Opening the door, there was the delivery guy holding five pizza boxes.
"Is there a Leg of Lamb Lean Beaf here?" the delivery guy asked, peeking in the door.
"It's Legolas Greenleaf..." Legolas said angrily, walking to the door.
"Oh, right. Sign here," the delivery boy said, handing him a clip board with a piece of paper on it. Legolas took the pen and signed it. Pippin took the pizza from his arms.
"Umm..look, it's really storming out here. There's rain coming down hard, and thunder and lightning every moment. Can I please come in and take shelter with you guys?" the delivery boy said, drenched with rain. There were a few more crashes of thunder in the backround.
"Thanks for the pizza," Haldir said, slamming the door shut.
"Ok, everyone try to make your way to the table without running into anything," Legolas said.
Everyone starts running, and large thuds and crashes could be heard, followed by mumbles and an "Ouch" from several people. Making their way to the table, they sat down and reached for their share of the pizza.
Suddenly, the lights came back on, and the disco ball began to spin again. The lights revealed Gimli sitting on Legolas' lap.
"ahem..." Legolas coughed at Gimli. The dwarf looked around nervously and stood up. Sauntering over to an empty chair on the other side of the table, he plopped down in it.
Aragorn appeared at the door, and came in. He was no longer wearing his pixie outfit. Instead, he was in normal pants and a black, silk shirt.
"I got the power working again, and-" Aragorn paused when he saw them at the table. "...hey! Pizza! Who ordered it?" he added, and came over to sit down.
"umm....me?" Legolas said, afraid he disapproved.
"Cool! I hope you didn't get anchovies!" Aragorn said.
"No, I ordered the Broccoli kind."
"Ahh, good!" he said and grabbed a slice.
"Why did you change?" Elrond asked.
"I didn't want anymore flak from Brittney Spears over here," Aragorn said, glancing angrily at Legolas.
"Hey. Unlike you, I'm not a sissy girly man. I don't care if someone makes fun of my outfit," Legolas said.
"No, Legolas. You don't care because you drank too much of the spiked punch!" Aragorn explained.
Legolas frowned. "Are you saying I'm drunk or something?"
Aragorn rolled his eyes.
"Hey, I'm going to turn the Boom Box back on," Frodo said.
"Just promise me you won't do any more of the Funky Chicken," Aragorn said.
"Ok, ok. Geez." Frodo sauntered over to the Boom Box and flipped the switch. As soon as he did, The Calling was blaring through the room.
"If I could, then I would. I'll follow where ever you may go..." Celeborn sang along.
"Dang, how do you know all the songs on the radio?" Sam asked.
"Well what else am I going to do all day? You have no idea how boring that Swan Boat can get," Celeborn replied.
Frodo had borrowed the EZ-Cheese from Merry, and was running around the room spraying it everywhere. Using the cheese, he made little faces on Aragorn's new curtains.
"No, not the curtains!! Spare the curtains!!!!" he yelled, running over and taking the can of EZ-Cheese from him.
"But, Strider! You can wash them later," Frodo pleaded.
"Well...alright. I'll get one of the servants to clean them later."
"YAY!" Frodo yelled happily, and snatched the can from him.
"Hey..." Aragorn said, snapping his fingers. "I have a better idea."
Aragorn ran down the hall, and went into the kitchen. Picking up the phone, he pressed 5 on his speed dial. There were two rings, and then a very tired sounding voice picked up. Aragorn guessed his call had woken him up.
"Hello?" The male voice said drowsily.
"Hey dude. It's Aragorn."
"Hey Aggy."
"Hi. Look, can you meet us at my place in 20 minutes?"
"Yeah, sure. Uh...where do you live again?"
Aragorn sighed. "Sorry, I forgot. You never survived long enough to come to my Coronation or Wedding receptions."
"Nope, The Fellowship of the Ring was enough for me. I didn't feel like sticking around," the voice answered.
"Mmmk. Write this down.
1 Big Big Castle, Isildur Blvd. - Gondor
Got it?"
"Yup. I'll be there in about 20 minutes," the voice answered.
"k! Oh, and dress sinisterly. It may come in handy."
With that, they hung up, and Aragorn opened the refridgerator looking for something in particular. Looking through the fridge, he found about twelve cartons of eggs. He stacked them up, and carried them back to the main room. Setting them on the table by the pizza box, he turned to them. Everyone was giving him a strange look.
"Umm...why do you have 12 dozen eggs in your kitchen?" Gandalf said.
"Arwen makes omlets for the whole castle on Sunday mornings. They're lovely," he replied.
Gandalf nodded. "I'm sure."
"Anyway, I have an idea. We will each have a dozen eggs, and-"
Pippin interrupted. "My dear Aragorn, I do believe you wish us to go and do something" camera zooms in, and he holds his pinky up to the corner of his mouth "..evil"
"Why yes, Pippin," Aragorn said with a devilish grin. "I suggest that we-"
"Start our own hatchery!!" Sam interrupted.
"Use them for target practice!!" Gandalf joined in.
"Build a bridge out of them!!" Frodo said.
"Put them in Gandalf's helmet!!" Gimli suggested.
"Gosh, will you people let me get through a single sentence?" Aragorn said, annoyed.
"Sorry..." they all muttered.
"Ok," Aragorn said, and continued. "I suggest we..." he paused and looked around, making sure they weren't going to interrupt, then continued. "...egg Rohan!!"
"YEAH!" they all yelled.
"We'll sneak over there and egg Eowyn and Faramir's castle!" Aragorn added. "Anyway, Boromir is going to meet us here in 20 minutes."
Chapter Five
"We have to get ready to go," Aragorn told them.
"Uh...where?" a small, walking turkey said, coming in from the hall.
Aragorn's eyes widened. "Turkey!!! You belong to L&M! Get out of here before we get sued!!"
Turkey sighed. "Gosh, people try to eat me in every fic, and now I can't even go to party!" He drank some of Sunny Delight he had in his hand, and disappeared down the hall.
"Anyway, if we're going to go egg Rohan, we have to be prepared. We can't be recognized!"
"But I'm a Haldir Sundae! I won't be recognized!"
"uh....I have news for you," Aragorn said, skeptical.
Haldir looked around, and saw the chocolate cake Merry had brought, and tore off a large chunk. He smeared it all over himself, and turned back to Aragorn.
"There! now I'm a Haldir Fudge Sundae!"
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Merry is alright in his cat outfit, and Pippin as well. They can't be recognized easily."
Pippin frowned. "That's Dr. Evil to you!"
"Whatever...and Gimli can't be recognized either. But, Frodo..."
"Yes?" Frodo said, putting the macarena on hold while he talked to Strider.
"Frodo, you are highly recognizable. You need to put some clothes on other than your WWF outfit," Aragorn explained.
"Aww shucks!" Frodo said sadly.
"Here. Frodo, Celeborn, Elrond, and Sam: come with me," Aragorn said, motioning for them to follow him. They went down the hall and to the left. Aragorn turned the knob to a large door. They all sauntered in, and Aragorn shut the door behind them. Opening his closet, he pushed some hangers aside, as if looking for something.
Celeborn noticed a fuzzy, pink teddy bear sitting on top of his night-stand. He held it up, and turned to the Ranger.
"Umm....Aragorn?"
Aragorn turned around, and gasped. He grabbed the teddy bear and stuffed it in his sock drawer.
"Don't mess with Mr. Cuddles!" he exclaimed.
Everyone stared at him for a moment. "Mr. Cuddles?" they all said.
"Er....uh, everybody needs a pink teddy bear, right? To keep them company?" Aragorn said nervously.
"I think it's just you, Strider," Sam said, shaking his head.
"Umm...ok, uh...I think I'll just go back to the closet," he said, and rustled the hangers around to break the silence. Finally, he found what he was looking for. He pulled out a long, black, fur coat, and an oversized hat with a feather in it. He handed them to Elrond, who set the hat on the bed, and tried on the coat. Tossing the hat on, he looked in the full length mirror on the other side of the room.
"Mesa like," Elrond said, nodding.
Aragorn turned back to the closet, and looked through some more racks.
"You have a lot of clothes, Strider," Frodo said, looking amazed.
Aragorn shrugged. "It's good to be the King."
"I was thinking," Celeborn began as Aragorn pulled out a pair of white, sparkle bell bottoms with a white V-neck shirt, which also was covered in sparkles. "How can we egg Eowyn and Faramir's castle in Rohan when Faramir...is in Gondor?"
"Celeborn, did you not hear? He moved to Rohan about two weeks ago. He was tired of finding cows grazing in his back yard," Aragorn said with a laugh. "What a wuss Faramir is. Here, try this on." He handed Celeborn the pants and shirt, and pointed in the direction of the bathroom.
A few minutes later, Celeborn came out with a depressed look. "I look like a misplaced actor from Saturday Night Fever."
Aragorn sighed. "You look fine....but I can still recognize you. Rohan must not know who was responsible." He looked around, and found some black sunglasses resting on a shelf. He grabbed them, and put them on Celeborn.
"There!" he said, proud of his success.
Looking through the closet once more, Aragorn found two Groucho Marx glasses, nose, and mustache sets, and gave them to Frodo and Sam. He also took out a pair of shorts and a leather jacket and handed it to Frodo, since he was still dressed as The Rock.
With one last shuffle through the closet, he pulled out two long, black capes. He put one on, and carried the other as he went back to the main room. Elrond and the others followed him.
Coming to Legolas, who was sprawled out on the couch, Aragorn poked him.
"What?" he said, sounding annoyed that he had been disturbed.
"Put this on," Aragorn said, handing him the second cape.
"Hey cool!" he said. "I always wanted one of these!"
"Legolas, didn't I tell you earlier to put your shirt back on?"
"Umm.....would it help if I said no?"
Aragorn folded his arms. "No it wouldn't!"
"Ok, in that case....er.....no," Legolas said, confused.
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "You're still drunk aren't you!"
"Uh...no comment," he replied, looking around. "Can I have some more punch?"
"No!" Aragorn said angrily.
Gandalf opened one of the cabinets and found some small, empty bags from Sears.
"Here!" Gandalf said, taking the Sears bags and handing them out. "These can hold the eggs on the way!"
"Good idea," Aragorn said.
When Sam got his bag, he look at it, confused. He opened it and peeked in. Then, he put it over his head, not knowing what else to do.
Gandalf sighed. "Fool of a Gamgee. His bumper sticker should be 'Hobbits in mirror are stupider than they appear.' "
Legolas got up off the couch and looked around. "Haldir!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Haldir came rushing up to him, wondering what was wrong. "What? Dude, you be trippin!"
"No...I'm not trippin! You still have my bottle of whip cream! I want it back! It's fun to paint with, and it's yummy...so give it back!"
"You can have mine," Gimli said, handing Legolas his bottle of whip cream. When Arwen dropped off the grocery bag earlier, he had obviously grabbed the second bottle.
'Thanks, I guess," Legolas said, taking it and ignoring the gleam in the dwarf's eye.
"No problem," Gimli replied.
They were loading their eggs in their Sears bags when there was a harsh knock at the door. Celeborn went to open it. As soon as he opened it, Celeborn yelled at the top of his lungs. There was a tall man with a hockey mask, holding aloft an axe. He stepped inside, and looked around. The Fellowship was holding their breath as he got closer. Suddenly, the man lifted up his hockey mask and looked at them.
"I'm glad to see I'm not late," Boromir said. They all let out a sigh of relief.
"Boromir, when i said 'dress sinisterly'...well I think you went a little far," Aragorn said.
"Oh, you're no fun anymore!" he replied, frowning, and tossed his hockey mask in the corner.
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